It's such an honour to have you here today, Mr Managing Director, sir. I'm very sorry to have disrupted your busy schedule, but when we've explained the situation I think you'll agree that this is a matter of urgency. I've got a slide presentation here to support the case. Just a minute while the laptop fires up. Oh, all right, I'll get to that later.

As you're probably aware, the day before yesterday was the initial showcase session of the new tracks for Jez Vernor's upcoming album –

Who is Jez Vernor? Mr Director, he's one of our biggest assets here at EKB Music. He's got a majority share of what we laughingly like to call the black market. Well, the black-wearing market, I mean. His main competitors are Maiden Records' Lethal Injection – you know, the ones with the masks. Your granddaughter likes them? That's nice – and Steffen's Worthless. He's by far the most popular. This is the third of a four-album contract for us. If you take a look at this handy pie chart – okay, sir, okay. Back to the story.

Well, Jez had been hiding in the studio for months, and we were all very keen to see what he'd come up with, as you can imagine. We were glad to see he'd been in the studio at all, in fact – we'd been worried he'd spend all his time with his new wife. Yes. The actress, Shara Stevens. They've got a baby on the way, I believe. That's right, sir, she was in Disaffected Youth. Yes. Your granddaughter sounds like a bright young woman, sir. Me, I couldn't watch it. Too many jump-cuts. I must be too old. Anyway, moving on. So Jez aired his new material for us. He'd been making noises about a new artistic direction, but this...

I think we need the laptop at this point, sir, new-fangled as it may be. You need a demonstration. All right, what you see here is the list of working titles for the new tracks. ‘Daisies on the Lawn’; ‘I Didn't Think I Would Trust Anyone Again, You Know’; ‘Life Is Great’; ‘A Tree For My Daughter’; ‘Here's One In The Eye For All The Cynics’. If you're a music buff – oh, I'm not, but my secretary informs me that the latter is a sort of companion piece to his previous angst-rock hit ‘Nothing Means Anything At All’. This last one, ‘Scientific Proof of the Existence of Love’, it's ten minutes long, actually it reminds me of the prog-rock I used to like when I was your granddaughter's age – but the rest...

Well, sir, I think you'll see the problem if I just play you these clips. If I can figure out this WinAmp thing... ah. Let's all pause a moment and listen.

See? Uplifting, isn't it?

Yes, sir, uplifting is all very well, I'm glad to see it put a smile on your face after the hectic day you've had, that's good, but the key components of Jez's product are supposed to be anger and alienation. That's what this market wants. Kids will not want to shut themselves in dark rooms and listen to this. They'll desert us in droves. Sales will plummet. I've explained that to him, but he got in a huff and said he would write what he felt, and could we meet at a more convenient time because he had to go and buy pickles for his wife. Artists. Really.

There's something we can do, but it's risky. We can try re-branding him. The pop market's exploding at the moment – one factor is that we're getting them younger and younger, of course, my eight-year-old niece is boyband crazy. And I believe we're weak in that sector since we lost Girlz R Us. All we'd need to do is a bit of remixing, you know, pop it up a bit. We plan to propose to Jez that he perform the new album on tour with Blue and Atomic Kitten later this year. No, of course, don't worry about that, he'll have had a haircut and a full makeover first. Never fear, Mr Director, we've thought of everything.

He will. He'll agree. We've got some excellent salespeople here, bright young things, very persuasive. I'm sure he'll see the potential benefit. And if he doesn't? Well... there's something else we could try. We could remove the source of the problem. Wouldn't that make sense?

I've made some calls, sir, thinking ahead in case ‘Plan A' should fall through. I've spoken with some of the roadies from his last tour, and they put me in touch with a very nice young woman. Does a bit of acting. She's very keen to help us, especially since I mentioned my contacts at The News of the World. Oh, I know, what goes on the road stays on the road, long-held rule of the music industry et cetera et cetera, but just think about it – if Jez's album sales drop by even twenty per cent EKB stands to lose fifty million dollars. You can't argue with those figures.

It's unlikely we'll have to go that far, in any case – excuse me a moment. Marie, get me Blue's tour manager – sorry, sir. I mean, really. A professional like him ought to know that nothing would hurt his career like happiness.